iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
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If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Miscakes
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
For the ones in the back.