me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
😅😅😅
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
good work, detective
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
They got Raph!
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house