Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
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I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.