That seems a conundrum…
🤔
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They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I hope this email finds you in a well