When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
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“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.
{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?