I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
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“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
When I’m bored, I part my hair down the middle and pretend I’m a Hanson brother
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.