Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
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“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Halloween is without question the easiest time of year to kill somebody and just leave their body decomposing on your porch for a month
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.