Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
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Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
finally
Oh yeah that’s it
1 yr old Son: [picks up toy basketball and takes three wobbly steps forward].
Wife: omg he just took his first steps!
Me: [visibly upset] yeah but he traveled.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
I just shook my keyboard upside down. Breakfast is served.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”