Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
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Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Continental cheese: We used a process unchanged for 600 years and aged it in a cave for two years
British cheese: We briefly scared a cow
American cheese: We fed some descriptions of cheese into an AI engine
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.