My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
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Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫