Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
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Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
Eggs benadryl my favourite
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.