wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
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They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
*3.5 thank you very much.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Time heals everything 🙂
don’t let your artist friends wander off by themselves. you never know what they’ll agree to
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables