Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
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All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.