High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
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4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.