The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
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10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
barbara was highly relatable
Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
Cop: This spot is for frog parking only
Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?
*gets toad*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.