I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
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I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played