[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
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Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Childbirth is so beautiful
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.