All I’m saying is “curb side pickup” meant something different when I was growing up.
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As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn’t have to share with my kids.
It’s not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain.She’s mine
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Does this dress make me look cat?
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.