random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
Jehovah’s witnesses don’t celebrate Halloween, I’m guessing it’s because they don’t appreciate random people coming up to their doors.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.