“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
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Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.