reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
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Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
My typo game is string.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.