Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
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If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
My son just tripped over some toys and was convinced his 1yo sister set a trap for him. Utterly ridiculous.
It was me.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
#milo
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild