The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
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When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait