How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one