Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
Twitter is an abusement park.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
[trick or treating]
“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”
Me: potty training.
“In my pumpkin?!”
Me: She likes the heated seat.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?