[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
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No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
X-tra spooky blend
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
They’re stuck in your pants?
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
I want this so bad
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or