Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
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husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…