[screaming into the void]
MARCO
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Netflix and you sit over there.
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
This kid is going places
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.