Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
My blood type is b hungry.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
ME: wow look at all these hotties
FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.