Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
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McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.