When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
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Scariest things in the world:
1. Clowns
2. Phone calls
3. That feeling when you accidentally tip your office chair back too far and your life flashes before your eyes
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have