“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
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arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
😎 🍻
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted