Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
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Raisins are grape jerky.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair