Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
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#SCOTUS one-star review
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Cute skinny girls wearing weird mismatched clothes: hot quirky hipsters
Me wearing weird mismatched clothes: homeless lady from the 80s