Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
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Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
This pepper has seen some shit
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.