We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
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When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
This is hilarious….
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like