Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
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My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*