You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
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Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
You didn’t hear this from me, but Helen has an overdue library book.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
Every house has this drawer
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.