My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
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Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
Stop.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Our lord and savoury.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important