Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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This came to me in a dream.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.