7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
I want to follow a random family around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all of their photos.