70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
LOL
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
Still waiting for the day I can illegally download groceries
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February