As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
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Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
After three days of uncontrolled laughing, random face slapping, and running into the ocean in ball gowns, I threw away my Dior perfume.
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It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
Cop: [knocks]
Dinosaur: can I help you?
Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire
[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.