My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
You Might Also Like
Help Wanted
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
GIRLFRIEND: *cosying up to me in bed* What ya thinking?
ME: If the cartoon was made in the 70s would he be called SpongeBob FlarePants?
HER: You know, sometimes it’s ok to just say ‘nothing’.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.