Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
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*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.