(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
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Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
I stood here for an hour then I gave up and went home.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
mmm onion ringos
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.