I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
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How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
Alex: This term indicates a zero score in tennis.
Contestant: What is love?
*dance party erupts*
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
All excellent questions
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter