Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
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I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
girls literally only want one thing..
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film
HIPSTER: I preferred the original
M: Original? What original?
H: Nosfera One.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys