people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
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A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
The rule for washing jeans is once every financial quarter.
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[first date w/ someone who works on an online support chat window]
me: [pulls away from passionate kiss goodnight] this was fun, let’s do i it again sometime…
her: definitely
me: [turns to walk away]
her: thanks for chatting. is there anything else I can help you with today?
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it