HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
You Might Also Like
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
If God hates gays so much, why didn’t he put it in the ten commandments? Instead he’s more pissed that you’re jealous of your friend’s PS4
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.